Updated: Feb 5
Please enjoy the next twenty-five weeks as a time let out of the sheepfold, free to run and prance gayly in the lush green grass of the pastures of America and crap in the cool clear waters of the babbling brook in the valley of wherever you call home. But beware. There were ZERO [none, nada, not a one] Good Shepherd graduates [i.e.: Saints]. Nary one who graduated into ministry on Pentecost Sunday. When there are three readings and a psalm each Sunday and all sermons [class instructions] only deal with a weak association of the Gospel reading to current political affairs [neither Jesus nor God give a shit about the politics of sin] and one driveling Facebook story about one person’s fears and desires relative to that Gospel reading after another, then no one can ever possibly pass God’s graduation test for ministry. So, you get what you pay for and nobody paid the price [yet again] to “Receive the Spirit.”
“Pretend church” ministers don’t have the time or the desire to read multiple readings and pray about the meaning. They quickly read the Gospel and draw upon having read that to use at least one translated word as justification to go off wildly on a personal tangent that panders to political leans and social justifications of sin, because “it is what Jesus would do.” They cry crocodile tears as they share those false words. There have been no graduates that will relish in sermons that teach the truth, like Peter and the eleven did on Pentecost Sunday. The class of 2020 produced no Saints, so everyone is on their own. Left to your own devices is … oooh. I’m not going there. Good luck.
There are plenty of hired hands who will use a Sunday Facebook streaming video opportunity to remind you how powerless they are [the ones drawing a paycheck, with good benefits, by some organization that counts on your gifts of money and inheritance leavings] to ease your fears of the COVID19 pandemic, which somehow knows not to endanger the lives of criminals running loose in the streets, smashing store windows, burning properties, and looting while everyone is taking smart-phone videos as keepsakes to ‘show and tell’ their friends about the role he or she played in the destruction of a nation. Aaah, memories. They last a lifetime, don’t they?
Priests might even begin doing their sermons (when they reopen their stores for business) wearing masks, because masks have once again become a warning sign for “Bandit! Run!” Masks bring out the rebel in you, and we need revolutionaries selling religion. Those ‘priests of Mammon’ might wax poetically about the next planned ‘church sponsored’ protest, wearing t-shirts of Jesus hanging on a cross, gasping “I can’t breathe” [sold for cold hard cash at the gift store in the parish hall], as they lead a ‘peaceful revolt’ into some upper class neighborhood, where they plan on forcing themselves into some rich, white family’s swimming pool and maybe break into the house for snacks and wine afterwards. Bring the kids and a suit! We’ll let the ‘youth minister’ [meaning someone under the age of 60 with a diploma from Churches-R-Us seminary] lead the first assault wave!
The wolf population has grown extremely large lately, due to the fears of going out of the house and making sure the wolves are kept in check. PETA complaints about holding wolves down with knee holds have skyrocketed. Many blue states now make their wolf catchers hunt naked, with them only allowed to call to the wolves and beg them to stop killing innocent lambs. Remember, there have also been released felons, also called ‘professional wolves’, because the prisons are infested with the THREAT of COVID19, and those poor creatures have no jobs or desires to hold one down. That makes them more easily agitated; and, because it is easier to hold down a lamb as they rip its throat and blame society on their love of sin, released wolves are more dangerous than they were before having been caged.
Honey, I was thinking maybe you could get a job. I hear advertising agencies are looking for actors who can play happy interracial couples. Want to give that a try?
It has been fun teaching a blind, deaf, and dumb audience how to enter ministry, even though there are no Helen Keller’s around in the world anymore; so, to the world is yet still only politicians and activists. They come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and persuasions. You can always count on their political correctness, especially about how your soul has less value than the ‘lost soul of the week’ portrayed in the media.
Thanks for the memories.
Always remember this: “God never promised you a rose garden.” He promised you a Savior who would die so his soul could become YOU [the seed metaphor], in order to save you from yourself [without being Him, you will die a miserable mortal death]. Without YOU marrying God and consummating that marriage spiritually [something that can only be done individually, not from association with someone who knew someone who once talked to someone on a bus that thought he or she knew God], so your belly swells with God’s Holy Spirit inside, changing your name from whatever bloodline heritage you used to cling to into the only name of value – Son of God Jesus Christ – then YOU are going to Hell.”
Join us at the Church of Selfishness. Our gates are always open.
But, don’t be afraid. You’ve been in Hell all your life. Playing “church” keeps all the burning fire of riots seem like a cool day at the beach [six feet of distance apart, wearing masks]. It’s just another day traveling the selfish road of misery that leads to death, when then [after a short lesson from God about how selfishness will never get your soul off the rat race wheel] your soul will gasp it first breath in a new crying baby. Just think, you might even be born into a sex you are unfamiliar with and reject right from the get-go.
Reincarnation is the reward of a selfish life past lived. Maybe in the next life [seeing how there are no Saints around to find you when you get lost again, to lead you back to safety] you won’t have to worry about being afraid because of having been born of ‘privilege’ before. Imagine that! No more feeling guilty because of all the shit you accumulate! Being born anew into poverty will bless you with the automatic excuse to riot and pillage; and at a young age. They teach you that in the ghetto churches – called gangs – where you sell your soul in the initiation rituals. Once you sell your soul, you won’t have to ever worry about reincarnation again [only the eternal fiery pit of Satan’s Paradise]. Enjoy the summer and fall, knowing Christmas has no chance in Hell of symbolizing your rebirth day as Jesus Christ, when you delivered baby Jesus after believing the angel, because then you would have let your body become the Virgin Mary [regardless of human gender]. There is no way in Hell that will ever happen now and Christmas has no chance of ever becoming anything more than a time to do online shopping. You have made sure of that by telling the angel of the Lord, “Get the fuck outta my face!” So, use that time after Turkey day to spend, spend, spend. Give so you can get as much as you can.
Just remember this: You can’t take it with you.